little tear for major lady!

today was a very proud moment for me,not in a sense where it was something major something wowza-ish to anyone who isnt ..mm me lol. but probably lots or some people have seen uktv food,and this year i entered the uktv food's people's cookbook.i entered a recipe from my good old gran,its another one of those looks sh*t,sounds uninteresting,names freaky but tastes amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing! and the name everyone will agree is freaky and ha probably wrong is 'splodge' the name of a meal i entered a competion with -was-splodge..i didnt win,i dint get any prize*this may be due to the fact i entered to late and the competition closed before i got there*oops! but i did get it put on the website,now there are thousnads of these recipes on the database they have so it wasnt like thye picked mine out,but it was amzing all the same.

gran died years ago now from cnacr,it was a painful time and instead of finding it easier to cope with it seems to have hit me harder as the years have gone on.each year remebring things i never even took notice of then,different things different parts of her life with us how she was with us and all the little things she said or did to make us happy,which i didnt recognize then because you ust dont do you because its normal to do things with your gran and have her around,how silly and young i was.

i used to think how appreciative i was that she battled her cnacer for four years each time she got some new infection or it spread we thought that was it but she fought and was living again.now i always think of how much pain she was in,i no she wanted to keep on living more than anyhting i can gaurantee that but sometimes i wonder whether she just wanted to stop fighting stop seeking treatment,and this thought must have been there too often at the end when she got seriously ill,and what a thought that must have been to have how hard must that have been for my lovely granny and i didnt notice enough all i new was that i was happy she had fought that part and was still there.i sometimes feel like a weirdo though the fact that i love her more and more each day yet she isnt here for to to get to no her and love her more in that way,its the memories i am remebering that helps me like her more and more,strange.

i hope she would be proud though to have her recipe on a website with all those others!im sure she would be more embaressed to be honest as it was one of her major recipes but its the only one i have the ingredients to in full because she has lots of secrets ingredients in her cooking which i sadly will never no.